shadows of a stranger

2006-10-10T06:14:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that eoys are finally over. Results come out in a week and believe me, I could wait longer.

I am strangely moved by Nickelback's Far away. It makes me want to sob. This is so weird. And the singer looks like a cat. A fuzzy dude, to be precise.

If people and circumstances change, does that mean feelings change too? Are we supposed to change and leave people behind just like that? Is that just the way things go? Cuz I just don't understand any of it.

Remembering hurts. I locked all of it away for a reason. I locked it in so that it'd never be out in the daylight ever again. And now its all out again, I can't take it. I know this makes no sense to anyone, but the only reason everyone sees me smiling is cuz i just lock it all away and bottle it up.

Right now, I'm supposed to be happy. I feel like breaking down and sobbing. I'm tired of being strong for everyone. Smiling when I don't feel like it.

Would there be anyone out there who might love me just for me? Does true love really exist at all? Who could possibly love me enough to give up their life for me? I don't think so. Love happens. Just not for me. No one could ever love me.

2006-10-07T06:06:00.000-07:00

Everything starts to feel pointless and useless after a while.

And you think you know what its like?
I'm not complaining about my life. Everyone has it hard in some way or another. All I'm saying is, if you know nothing, then shut the fuck up. You have no right to tell me I'm not trying my best. I'll be the judge of that. Don't you go telling me I'm lazy or that I don't do the work or that I don't care about where I'm going. I'm more scared than you or anyone else will ever know. You'd never know what its like to want something so bad you'd give up everything just to get that one thing. You'd never know what its like to have a dream so intense, so haunting, you have to follow. What would you know? All you do is mock me. I don't care if the whole world mocks me now. I'm tired and fed up. You know nothing about me and yet you pretend you know what its like. Honestly, just get lost. Do you know what its like, to have everyone putting pressure on you, feeling lost, finding yourself. What do you know?

I've changed so much and I don't even know why or how.

I'm so much stronger now, and I'm proud of my fighting spirit. Cuz now I know where I wanna go, what I'm gonna do, who I am and who I wanna be. Sure I may get a little lost at times, but I'll find my way out.

I realize i've grown a whole lot harder and colder at heart. I suppose those are the consequences.
I can't say i'm all too bothered about it. The less you feel, the less the pain.

Exams are nearly over. Makes no difference anyway. I'll get some sleep and start working again. I'm saving up to get me a guitar.

Thats all for now, I suppose.

2006-09-16T09:58:00.000-07:00

Graah.

Went to some function at my uncles house. Oh wait. If I'm not wrong it was my cousin's birthday or sth. Ohh yeahh. They made me take pictures and all. Eurgh. I HATE PHOTOS. I look awful la. As if I don't look bad enough in real life. I have no idea what possessed me to actually turn up. The only fun thing I did the whole time was go play with the cute cute kitty. AAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!KITTY!!!!!*squeezes kitty* Gosh I miss my cats sooo much.

EOY is 13 days away. Quick! Somebody shoot me!
I see absolutely no point to my existence.
It gets kinda meaningless after a while.
sometimes, just once, I'd like to say "whatever, la." and make it all go away.
All the goddam worries, pain and stinking confusion.
But I guess it just doesn't work that way, does it?

Good grief. My head hurts. I need a hug. O_o. Did I just say that????!!!
No.
Oh no.
NO!

I'M TURNING INTO A SAD SOP!!!

This sucks.

2006-09-15T06:47:00.000-07:00

Society today is screwed.
And, no, I'm not talking about Singapore alone, I'm talking global.

People just don't seem to see the need to be polite anymore.
And by polite, I am not talking about the messed up version version of a polite British.

"Hello, how do you do? * bombs your country*
Would you like some tea, perhaps? * colonises your people*
How about a little sugar?*pronounces your country as their own*
Oh, how lovely! *Shoots you in the head*

Ok, so maybe that was a little exaggerated, but you get my point. I'm not saying all British are bad, they're like any other nation. There are good Americans, bad Americans. Nice Singaporeans, nasty Singaporeans.

I mean, is it so hard for us to mantain a little humane kindness, love and courtesy? Do we deserve the right to call ourselves the superior race any longer? I doubt so.

Not when we go around shooting at anyone we like for the mere motive of jealousy and hatred, not for food. We take over plots of soil, proclaiming them to be our own and then start fights over these lands. We kill millions without purpose, and those who live turn into the living dead from the mental, not physical scars.

Ok, so here I'm talking on a big scale. Lets move to a smaller scale. Take an average family unit.
How much do we really know about what goes on in there? In today's society, many secrets are kept within the placid and serene smiles. On an average, 1 in 10 women in America suffer from childhood sexual abuse. Its sick. And let me ask, how many actually have complete families? 50% of marriages today end in divorce. And we ask why youths today go so bad? Its pretty clear for all to see. Then why are these problems not addressed? Cuz if they were, then society, or whats left of it as we know today would halt to a screeching stop and crumble right before our very own eyes. We'd have to accept that our friendly greengrocer is actually a rapist to his own daughter and that we live in a community of sick twisted people. I don't think we could do that.

We wallow in sorrow over simple everyday problems, refusing to be happy or even try, claiming that life is hard and God is unfair. ( oppx. I'm guilty as accused, here. I'm working on it,k?) Is it really God's fault? Or is it our mere inability to look at the bigger picture, at what we have, instead of what we lack? Why can't we smile about the fact that we can walk, or about the fact that we have food to eat? Have we lost our ability to treasure the simple things in life? That is truly sad. Do we have the right to feel anguish or self pity for even a moment, over horrible grades, when somewhere else, someone is dying for no faults of their own?Pick yourself up, dust off the grime, laugh at your own mistakes, learn, move on. I address myself here as well.

Why kill the innocent? Sure, many died on 9/11, but didn't they learn their lesson? Violence cannot be fought with more violence. Why kill more? Why couldn't they try to see what the Afghans were asking for in the first place? I admit that their methods of diplomacy and views are twisted but there must have been some reason as to why they took such desperate and extreme measures. Killing the innocent is not the answer. It puts us as the lowest and most despicable bunch in the animal kingdom. We kill for no reason. Animals kill to eat. We conquer for power. Animals take just enough for survival. We can't even remain faithful or loyal. Wolves mate for life. We contort and twist sex so despicably. Animals mate just for the continuation of their kind. What do you say to that?

For one, after the second world war, after Hitler massacred six million Jews, the British felt bad. So what did they do? They cleared up a plot of land in a country they had so called colonised and created a whole new country called Israel. How on Earth is that fair,huh? If they felt so bad, they ought to have put Israel smack in the centre of Britain, not Palestine. They're a bunch of selfish nitwits. Thanks to them, a whole new war sparked and they're still fighting up to today.
Man. One heck of a race, eh? We're a band of weak, pathetic, pea brained freaks. In our heads, we're great, superior and immortal. Pfft. haha.

I conclude here. We're never gonna learn. History is useless for it is ever repeating itself. Man ain't gonna change. We're gonna keep on fighting till it'll eventually lead to self destruction. And herein lies our future.

Lol. That was one long post, eh? Oh oh. one more thing. Macs delivery people are nicer than kentucky delivery ppl. The kentucky guy was so bloody grumpy and rude . He didn't even know how to press the damned bell la. Then somemore can insult me in malay, saying i ate too much for just one person and that i was stupid. Like, HELLO. I take higher malay, ok? Lawl. Idiot.

Did a stupid thing yesterday. Woke up all dazed from a nap. Then mommy called on the phone. What did I do? I picked up the REMOTE and tried to find the button to pick up the call. Then put the phone to my ear and went HELLO? Then i panicked and was all "HOW COME I FORGET HOW TO USE THE PHONE????!!!" Only when she called back and I was about to cry then i was like, eh? the ringing's not coming frome here, what?HAHAHAHAHA. Yep, thats me.

Cheerio.

2006-09-11T05:42:00.000-07:00

Whoo.

Happy birthday to me.

Thank you to all the people who made me smile today.

Its freaky. Quite a number of people actually remembered. I'm amazed. And i would've thought that by now I'd be invisible the world.

Haha

Bloody hell. I'm so stressed. Finals are here. Blood shall be spilled in large quantities. Muahahahahahaha.

Currently addicted to Unfaithful by Rihanna.

This is soo UN-me.

Bleargh.

Stardust on your butt
A squirrel eating nut
I can hear you fart
In the smelly minimart.

Weird,huh?

Anyway, I ought to go be hardworking now.

2006-09-10T06:53:00.000-07:00

CURSE YOU AQUASCUMS!!!!

I'm somehow addicted to sudden outbursts lately.

I dunno why.

I'll be turning 15 in approximately 2 hours.

whoopdeedoo.

My brother lost his towel.

Ridiculous.

Ok. That was so random.

I wanna marry Inuyasha. Seriously.

He's like the my dream guy, can? Too bad he's just a bunch of electric signals.

I'm doomed to spinsterhood.

hahahaha.

cheerios.

2006-09-08T08:38:00.000-07:00

Bloo. (:

I'm in a state far beyond depression. Wanna know its name? Insanity. hahaha.

Freaked out Tique over the phone by laughing for ten minutes straight for no rhyme or reason.
Sorry, dear.
Shiren-o-topia has officially been declared a state of emergency. No one seems to be coming to its rescue.

Dum tee dum.

I have so many bloody thoughts swirling around my head like a giant slurpie. I can't think straight for nuts. Tell me, HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO STUDY TRIGO AND EFFING BINOMIAL THEOREM, when I can't even sit down in the toilet properly before bursting ito tears,huh?

I am not a sad sop. I am determined not to become a sad sop. I will not be a sad sop.

Boo hoo.

I stared at a pot in the sink and started laughing till my stomach hurt. I only stopped cuz I couldn't breathe.

Aiite. Thats IT.

Somebody call the loopy bin now. Tell em' they've got their worse case yet.

A girl who talks to the wall and a nutella bottle named Mike. She laughs at pots and well, any inanimate, unsuspecting object. She cries at least three times a day and has punched the wall fifteen times, today alone(i counted). The list goes on.

Try and tell me now that I ain't loopy. Try and top THAT. Any takers?

You'd never know how bad you hurt me. Every time you scream at me it just reminds me even more of how much you hate me. And all I've ever done was to try and love you. Have you ever really cared about me? Don't bother answer that. It was always about him. ALWAYS. I'm just the kid you got by mistake, aren't I? I know I'm ugly, stupid and a burden but can't you just pretend to love me? Would it be that difficult? Or am i just too plain horrible to ever be loved by anyone? You know what? You're probrably right. I'm so ugly and sad, even the hunchback of notre dam wouldn't want me. and I suppose he would have made the right choice. I'm a fucking nobody.

2006-09-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

Guess what post this is??

Its the 46th!

Gosh. My blog is so darn young!

Aiite. Since I feel like shit at the moment, No, wait. I feel like crying. I'm feeling horribly empty and broken at the moment, actually. And I don't really know why.

*Looks around for a shoulder*

Whats this?! I can't even find a damned shoulder to cry on now?! graah.

*Crumples into a messy heap on the floor*

Fiine. I might as well do tributes to everyone thanks to SOME PEOPLE, who happen to feel under appreciated. * ahem, ahem*

Tigger
My charity friend!!! Lol. Honestly, I think its freaky and yet so very wonderful to have someone who thinks just like me. I mean, yea, the whole noodle episode was an example of where it worked against us but most of the time, its just really cool. I think it was really sweet the way you tried so damned hard to 'fix' me. I'm sorry I'm such a horrible letdown as a friend all the time, the way I'm always stuck in my head. Thank you so much for showing me that life isn't always as shit as I made it out to be and that there is a brighter side to everything. I love you so so very much, dear and I think you ought to know that no one could ever take your place, no matter what you think. Please, don't ever turn into a disciple of vic. I'll freak, dude. Hahaha. I just want you to know that I'll always be here for you, if you ever need me. The only possible way you could get rid of me is if you don't want me around anymore.HAH. You're stuck with me, dear! I ain't going nowhere.

Mum is so gonna freak again if I over run my time limit. I ought to end this post now.

OK, people.
coming up....
Tributes to......*drum roll*

Bryant* gasps*
Aisha*car crashes in the distance*
Victoria*World crumbles*
Serene*aww*
Narishka*ahh*
.............

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

INUYASHA'S BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I must've died from that ant bite and gone to heaven.

2006-08-30T07:14:00.000-07:00

Hey. Yeah. I'm back. Again.
Haven't done a serious post in quite a while so yeah, I'll do one now. This'll be the last one for now.

School really is horrid except for the few people who make my life easier every single day by just being there. Special thanks here (in random order)to Shoba, Syikin and Alyssa. Yeah. I'd have broken down and given up a long time ago if it weren't for you guys.

Shoba, for making me laugh non-stop everyday whenever I'm with you. You're like one of those few people who can actually make me give you a sincere smile. Even when I feel like crying. And for telling me that I can do it. Haha. I actually look forward to bus rides with you cuz we always have so much fun!So yea, thanks a million dude. Love ya loads!

Syikin, for dragging me out of my messed up mind every single day to live in the real world with you, just to listen to your endless chatter. Honestly, if it weren't for you, I could spend the entire day stuck in my head. Its nice to know there's always some crazy person out there who'll laugh at the lamest of things I say, and cheer me up when I'm ready to start screaming. Dear, you have no idea of half the stuff that goes on up in my head. And I don't think you'd wanna know. I admit there are many parts of me you still don't know and prolly never will, but i'm fine with things just the way they are. You're my daily dose of reality! and a lil' bit of sunshine. OH OH. one more thing. You're the only person whom I actually fear when you get mad. So please, try not to get mad, k? I get really really scared. (: Love ya, dear.

Alyssa, for all those smiles I get, yea, those mean a lot to me, k? More importantly, you're one of the last few people I actually still dare to trust. Its like all the things I worry about or stuff I'd never ask anyone else, I can always turn to you. I really, really appreciate it, dude. All those things you tell me, about how I shouldn't put myself down and that I shouldn't care what others think so much? It means a lot to me that you actually care. Thank you for not judging me, or taking other people's view of me as your own. I'm so lucky to have you as a friend but honestly, I wish that I could be more of a friend to you, instead of you always only helping me. Thank you so very much, dude. You really mean a lot to me.

Yeah. Without these people, I don't think I'd have made it through the term alive. But of course, as usual there are people who make my life a living nightmare. I don't think they need to be mentioned here, though.

I'm trying to find some bloody faith in myself just so I can pull through. Its scary, really. Its like I've changed so much, sometimes I don't know who I am anymore. I used to be loud. I used to be alive. I was happy. I was talkative. I USED TO GET SCOLDED FOR TALKING IN CLASS!
What am I now, huh? A living corpse. I don't know anymore.

Shit. I've gotta start making some sense, man.

Ah, maybe I'll just go punch the wall some more.

Works better, anyway.

2006-08-27T07:43:00.001-07:00

mug. mug. mug.

Wah Piang ah. My brain has never been so horribly violated. If it could talk, it'd scream. I can practically feel it shaking its miniscule fists at me. Lol. Aiite. I confess. I'M LOOPY! Hah. betcha didn't know that. (:

Spent the whole day doing A math and chem. I feel enlightened. Turns out chem isn't as difficult as I thought it was. A math, however, is still a horror.

*sees A math book lying on table*

*screams and runs around in circles*

*Runs away*

Haha.

OH OH OH.

I've made progress with the doodle!!!

DREAMER

Rain down on me
All those fucking memories
I'm drowning in my head
Trapped in this game of fate

Now the dust begins to settle
Like the calm after a battle
Can you hear the old moon's chime?
Love and life could never rhyme

I'm a dreamer,
There goes time
I ain't no winner
I'm just fine

I'm a dreamer
This is me
I'm no summer
I'll be who I want to be.

..............
..............
There's more coming.
AKAN DATANG!(:

Lol. Did I just use malay? *faints* Unbelievable.

Ok. Goodnight. *Looks around to see nobody cares*
FIINE. Be that way then. Hmmph. *stamps foot* I don't care too! *runs away*

2006-08-25T14:01:00.001-07:00

It takes a helluva lot more time, work, effort and dedication to become a wildlife biologist then it does to become a doctor or a lawyer. You think I didn't know that? I've spent my entire life chasing this single dream. Its all I've ever wanted. And you think that by telling me that the journey there is gonna be a hell of a ride I'm gonna give up? Fuck you for thinking that way. You have gotta be out of your mind. I may be the stupidest and most lazy girl to the world at the moment and I know I have days when I actually believe that I won't make it, but, dude, you forget way too easily. I know I'm no longer the same person I was a year or two ago. People and circumstances have broken, crushed and killed everything in me in every way possible. You should know. You were one of them. But, like I said before, you forget too easily. I know I put myself down more than often these days and I let myself believe I really am shit, but deep down, somewhere in there, although I may have lost every last bit of myself through it all, I never forgot. That one part of me, everyone else tried to kill. They never could, and never will be able to. Not even you. Because this part of me is what has kept me going on. I've always been and always will be a fighter. I may seem like a loser at times, but, in the end, I'll make it. Though I changed, theres always a part of the old me that will remain. I'll always be a fighter. I'll always have my silent determination and will to succeed. Because, all through the years, I've never let my dream die. It may have crushed me from time to time, it threatened to shatter before my very eyes, but its still there. and it will remain there. I'll be who I want me to be from now on. Not who you or anyone else wants me to be. Your approval is meaningless now. Its my life, I'll live it my way. Because I know theres only one highway outta here. And I'm gonna make it, no matter what. I don't care how long it takes me, or how many challenges I'll have to face. This is what I want to do with my life. I want to be happy. I don't care if I own a big house, or have oodles of money. Cuz its pointless. I care if I'm happy. I care if the people I love and care about are happy. I care if I can make a difference to the world. I know that even if I do succeed in getting where I want to be, I can't save the Earth, nor can I stop the suffering, pain, poverty, sorrow or bloodshed of everyone. Nor can I save all the animals. But I can try. And I will.

.........................................................................................................................................................................
..........................................................................................................................................................................
........................Hmm, that was unusually emo of me. .....................................................................................

Haha.
Anyway, I've made a startling discovery.
I don't hate me anymore!

"Ooohh, look at you, you're so pretty! *strokes mirror* You're the smartest, best, most beautiful person ever!*hugs mirror*"

O_o

O....K.....
That was just plain freaky. And anyway, my point is, no, I most definitely have not gotten to that stage. I'll never make it there. I mean, please la. Smartest? BEST? MOST BEAUTIFUL?

I think if a guy had to choose between marrying a possum and me, he'd most definitely pick the possum without any second thoughts.

Hahahahahahahha

Well, at least I don't stare into the mirror with visceral hatred anymore. So yea. Its a working progress. :D

Wahlao. I better go mug some more. I've been slacking since morning, can? lol.

Thats all for now. Shall abandon my bloggie temporarily. (And, NO, dear virtual mould, you shall not be granted the permission to terrorize my poor bloggie. HAH.)

GOOD GRIEF. Did I just mock virtual mould?! This is beyond belief. Even for me. So much for attempting normalcy for a while. (:

2006-08-25T08:05:00.000-07:00

Woots.
Another long day. Had some stupid talk about note taking, which I didn't even listen to anyway.
Ate with Serinder and Imesha after school, then waited for Tikers. Bothered Shoba with Indian crap. Then hung out with Ain, Tikers, and some other dep dudes. Fell asleep on the bus home.
Wasn't my day absolutely exhilarating? Doesn't it give you an adrenalin rush, eh? Haha. Me and my black humour.

Ok, Ok. Since I am braindead as hell, I'll just post some doodle I came up with during chem.

Hmm, chemistry lessons seem to bring quite a bit of inspiration lately. Lol.

DREAMER

Rain down on me
All those fucking memories
I'm drowning in my head
Stuck in this cruel game of fate

Now the dust begins to settle
Like the calm after a battle.
Can you hear the old moon's chime?
..................
haha.
Its a working progress.

2006-08-24T06:53:00.000-07:00

Good grief. Its been ages since I last updated. I can practically see the mould creeping in from the corners, waiting to engulf my poor, temporarily abandoned blog. Shoo! *pokes at mould*
Haha. I've gotta stop crapping, man. FYE is looming over me like a scary monster and I'm still talking about virtual mould?! Shit. Gotta stop dreaming, Shiren. Dreamers never have it easy. ):
Soooo....
What has changed since the last time I blogged? A LOT.
Lost 2 friends * sobs*. Made a new friend. *bounces around*. Came in seventh for cross country. Failed a truckload of tests. Doodled a whole lot more. Wrote two new songs. Got a new handphone.*cheers* Became more sociable and less stuck in my head. marginally. Sprained/twisted my wrist.

OH. And, I still think my tiger is cuter than Shoba's sheep.

Hmm, lets see.
I'm horribly distraught at the thought of losing my two oldest, dearest friends, but, I guess its just the way things go, huh? Nothing really is forever, I suppose. Who created that word anyway. Stupidhead. Giver of false hope. Damn the dude. Forever doesn't exist, man.

The new friend....
Has brought me a lot of smiles, managed to cheer me up on days when I could just start screaming and never stop, is incredibly thoughtful and really really nice. So yea, if you do read this post, THANK YOU SO SO MUCH. You're like God sent. Really. I don't know what I'd do without those little bits of happiness you give me everyday. And all those things you said about not needing to care about what others say and you not judging me, I'm really grateful for that.
(: Thanks a million, dude.

Everything else isn't really worth elaborating.

January feels like it was 2 days ago, not 9 months! And my birthday is here again. whoopdeedoo. Bring it on. I'm gonna count how many people actually remember. I'll prolly be able to count them with just one hand.

Sometimes I wish life had a rewind button. Or a pause button. Because I'd love to go back to tell you how much you really meant to me. I was stupid and afraid then. I'd like to go back and hug Amber again. I'd give anything to kiss Bubbles again. Tell Snowflakes I'm sorry. How I'd like to be able to run agin without a worry or doubt. No taint in my soul, brimming with childlike innocence. Shit. *slaps herself* I'VE GOTTA STOP REMINISCING! Man. This sucks.

Here's a little something I wrote whilst doodling in chem.

NOBODY

Can someone tell me where i belong?
Where I should go?
Can someone tell me where I went wrong?
I need to know.

Why do I hurt the ones I love,
With everything I do?
If I can't be who they want me to,
What should I do?

Can't go back,its not home to me.
The horizon's never seemed so empty.
I need to fly, I must be free.
To a place nowhere near, but soon to come.

A place, where I can be , Just me.
Some place...
Some where....
Just me.

2006-07-13T01:08:00.000-07:00

People.
I'm surrounded by them. And yet, at times, i feel so alone. One has been my loyal friend since forever, another, has stood by me day after day. One's leaving whilst another is entering. Sounds more like a drama than my life. haha. The script must have been written by someone with a not-so-funny sense of humour.
Today has been one heck of a day. All i can say is, you have no idea how much those things you said mean to me. you've made my day, no, week. All i can say is, thank you.

2006-07-05T02:17:00.000-07:00

Confused
Tired
Fed up
DEPRESSED

2006-07-04T23:55:00.000-07:00

Note to self:
NEVER, EVER fall asleep in a salon when mommy is present. Or, better still, don't go to the salon at all! Failure to comply will result in a possum-like hairstyle ....such as what I am currently stuck with.

2006-06-29T20:49:00.000-07:00

I
WANNA
DIE.
Just one wish. Grant me this ONE wish.
I try so hard, every bloody fucking day to be happy to keep on smiling but everytime,...everytime something comes along and fucks everything up. Ho, class, life, .GAHH.
I'm not a moper by nature. Nor am I an emo.
I'm a fighter, a survivor.
Not a beedin' sad sop.
My minds full of everyone else's problems. My hearts in shards around my feet and I have lost all sense of direction. I have problems to solve, people to care for, a truckload of homework. And for all of these,....only ONE emotion.
NUMB.
ICE COLD NUMBNESS.

FUCK IT ALL.

2006-06-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of being scared. I'm fed up of waking up every morning wishing I weren't alive. I'm sick of sounding like a fucking emo when deep down, I'm not.
I want to be little again. Remember, how it was, back in kindergarten? At first, you know nothing about anyone. Two seconds later, you're playing like you were best friends all your life.
That's how it used to be with you...although it wasn't in kindergarten.
I could be myself, without worrying, without fearing, because what we shared, our friendship, was simple, pure and well, it was...just like that.
No complications, no expectations. Just the bliss of being friends.
But somehow...I feel that everythings changed now.
Its like complicated, confusing and bleedin' darn tiresome.
Maybe this is just a completely different side of you, one I've never seen before.
Its not that I don't like it...it just feels like you've shut me out, and i don't know what to do.
I just feel so .... lost.
SHIT.
WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN??

2006-06-16T07:54:00.000-07:00

Everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright
Be strong
Believe

Will it?

2006-06-10T07:45:00.000-07:00

Dearie,
I don't deny that there were times, even recently, when I questioned your friendship, your sincerity. There have been times when I thought that you thought of me as just another person, nobody special. And at that time, I wanted to be special, I wanted to mean more to you.
But now, I see that merely being your friend, if nothing more is enough for me. You mean the world to me and its a comfort to know that you are there, watching out for me, thinking about me. Miss you so so very much, and can't wait to see you. We'll show em' whose stupid, eh? You and me. Thats the way it'll always be. Love u.

Went ice skating today. I still remember the time, back then, when I dreamt of being an ice skater. Hahahahahahahaah. Like thats ever gonna happen.

The people who say they'll protect you, they'll put you back together, they'll fix you..... They're the ones who always seem to end up hurting you the most. Leaving you battered and broken.
Just a thought.

Something crossed my mind today. Something Einstein once said. I like Einstein. He's the crazy haired one who thought up relativity.
"Everything is determined, the beginning as well as the end, by forces over which we have no control. It is determined for the insect as well as for the star. Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper"

I miss childhood. Brimming with child-like innocence, no taint in my heart.
I don't know when all that stopped. You reach a certain age when reality grabs you by the scruff of the neck and shouts in your face: "Hey, look, this is what life is."
And you have to open your eyes and look at it, listen to it, smell it: people who don't like you, things you don't want to do, things that hurt, things that scare you, questions without answers, feelings you don't understand, feelings you don't want but have no control over.
Reality.
When you gradually come to realize that stuff in books, films, television, magazines, newspapers, comics-its all garbage. Its got nothing to do with anything. Its all made up. It doesn't happen like that. Its not real. It means nothing.
Reality is what you see when you look out of a window of a bus : sour faces, sad and temporary lives, millions of cars, metal, bricks, glass, rain, cruel laughter, ugliness, dirt, bad teeth, crippled pigeons, little kids in stroller who've already forgotten how to smile.....
Reality.

2006-06-09T08:04:00.000-07:00

I wish you'd stop referring to me as a person you HAVE to 'fix'. It doesn't make me angry, nor does it irritate me but hell, does it hurt.
It makes me feel like a broken car that has gone to a garage to be fixed. Cos' in the first place, I have no idea why you give so much as a damn about me. No one else does, and I'm used to it. Thats just the way things are. And anyway, how can anyone bother so much about me? WHY would anyone bother so much about me. And, if you're gonna keep on saying you're gonna 'fix' me, I'd like to ask,.....is this 'fixing' something u take as a chore, or some kind of mission, like u can't wait to be done with it and as soon as I'm fixed, you'll ditch me for the mere fact that your job is done and that you have no other reason to hang around. Or are you doing this fixing as a friend, cos' I'm willing to give meaning and believe in the word again, if tats the case. I just wanna know why you're still here.

Heck. I feel so dirty, so disgusting like even God can't stand to look at me. Damn. All I wanna do is to make everything right again for the people whose lives I've messed up so I can go back to the dirty shithole of my life with my muddled up thoughts and crazy views the world should not have to suffer from. I feel like my mere existence is a burden to everyone. My mom, for having such a stupid, ugly, useless shit of a daughter, my dad, for suffering from an eyesore everytime he looks at me, my brother, for having a pathetic idiot for a sister, my friends, for bringing only misery and trouble to them and to the world, for being a delusional, moronic dreamer. Nobody should have to FIX me. Its not a bloody job u should take upon yourself because, I am nothing to you.Dang, I pity my family and friends. Wish I could just evaporate into tiny molecules of nothingness and float away on the wind. They'd never notice anyway. And when they do, they'd prbrably throw a party and celebrate for days. Who could blame them,eh?

I wanna cry, I wanna scream and I wanna smash the bloody walls all at the same time.
It no help that I'm horribly fascinated by the kitchen knife. It draws me to it. Scary? I know. Yet totally enchanting. But I've got a promise to keep. And I will keep that promise. The scars from the last time are still here. And I'm not gonna do it again.

I need sleep. God must be punishing me by the insomnia I face every night. Its torture.
All those thoughts, flowing through my head, smooshing my brain to pulp like a freight train.
Dammit.dammit dammit dammit. Why do I have to be a mortal? Why was I made a living breathing,feeling being? There must be a reason, right? Except, I just don't see it. And to make matters worse, I'm not just any mortal. I'm a hormone-crazed shit. HELL. BLOODY HELL.

"Men at some time are masters of their fates" -Julius caesar, Act 1, Scene 2

Doesn't make any sense. I feel more like a wooden puppet, created merely for God's viewing pleasure.

"When sorrows come they come not single spies, but in battalions"-Hamlet, Act 4, Scene 5

2006-05-21T08:01:00.000-07:00

Who am I?
Where am I going?
Where was I from?
Where am I now?
Are they the same place?
What have I done?
hatred, such hatred...only for myself.

I want to love but somehow, I can't seem to feel anything anymore.
I'm just numb, to myself, to the world.
Its like i'm standing on the tracks, waiting, just waiting for the train to take my life. I can see the distant glow of its lights, I can hear its steady, furious chug of impending doom.
I'm just counting the seconds to my demise.
Watching, waiting.
No longer screaming, no longer crying.
No longer worrying.
Just afraid.
I'll just watch, I'll just wait.

2006-05-15T07:25:00.000-07:00

Serene... I'm so so sorry for being such a total letdown. I feel like shit and I know I'll never forgive myself for this. I'd give you my life any time , anyplace without any second thoughts. Thats how much I love you. so, I'm so sorry...hope u forgive me...

2006-05-09T23:31:00.000-07:00

Atiqah.
I'm sorry for what I did...and, you have the right to know that I only started doing it recently. Very recently. in fact, only a few days ago. Yeah. I started out of curiousity, questioning its effectiveness. Then things kept getting worse and worse and I wasn't ever able to find a way out... and, thats what I did. I've done it only three times, if u must know. Why? there are probrably enough reasons that you know, the rest...well, they're stupid. I'm sorry for reacting like that and I didn't mean to walk away like that or not say anything but everything thats happened today, the way I'm feeling right now...I dun think I'd be able to say anything withjout crying. I don't want to cry. Thats why I just walked off like that. I hate myself for everything thats happened and..yeah. i'm sorry. I'd understand if you never ever want to speak to me again. and, again. Im sorry.

2006-05-08T00:59:00.000-07:00

I apologize for that crap. my blog was temporarily terrorized by Tiky. no such unfaithfulness has taken place!Yakkity is fully loyal to me. As I was saying,... I declare my undying love for YAKKITY YAK!!!!!We will be wedded in holy matrimony tommorow, in my toiletbowl. The pineapple dude shall be our best man. Sorry Inu, but this is where my heart truly lies. Hope you survive your broken heart. My heart lies with this furry, insane madcap. Yeah.

2006-05-08T00:39:00.000-07:00

I solemnly swear my undying love for YAKITTY HELLO. hellooooooo...AND yAK DUDE DIED YESTERDAY IN MY CLUTCHES.He apparently was sleeping with Fatimah, and had a threesome with his pineapple bro and her.

2006-05-06T12:10:00.000-07:00

Gosh. I'm so darn exhausted. Spent my entire Saturday on that cursed Social Studies project.
Polling day today. What a joke. Like daddy was oh-so-excited abt it and when the results came out, he was like going YESS!!, YES!! .He kept on trying to explain to ignorant ole' me the entire parlimentary system. Do I look like I might care? Lol. Singaporeans lack excitement in their lives. I mean, HELLOO...to them, casting a vote to elect what is affectionately known as their "Gahmen" is exciting? Wahlao eh. Like at all the different constituencies, so MANY people were cheering and hollering their favourite POLITICAL PARTY the same way you perhaps might scream when your favourite pop star comes to Singapore. Yeah. Hairy old Indian men, Tubby old women, young kids, all so hyped up...about election. Retarded,man.Geez. Aniwaes, I finally am done with the effing script. Its like 3.30a.m. but I dun really care. Missing those carefree old days which slipped through our fingertips like a winter's breeze, so fast we could hardly catch it. I miss you, all the fun we had, all the moments we shared, all the tears we shed, the dreams we made, those days can never be erased cos' they're forever engraved on the walls of my heart. Are we still best friends? I don't know. It'd be kinda absurd if we said we were cos' we hardly know each other now. We've both grown up to be such different people, but no matter how great the distance between us, there'll always be that special bond we shared. One that was built over the first time we spoke, the many do-you-forgive-me and i'm-sorry notes, the games of wild horses and hide and seek and magic we played, the many rubbers we wasted away churning out "cookies" in packets, the time you shared your jacket with me when it rained cos' I was cold, the time I found out that that had happened and that you couldn't go out to play with me, the times you stood by me when I was lonely and sad, the many recesses I spent in your class and played with you because I just loved ur company and all those hours we spent talking and,I remember how I used to love to cuddle up with u, all warm and snuggly(well, u were warm, and I was the skinny, cold stick,and u were all cuddly and lovable and all). You were my first real best friend and, you'll always be my one and only best friend, the little girl I met in P1. You're just so special to me. I remember the time when I asked you to write in my autograph book, and you know in the friendship awards? You don't know how much you made me love being me then when you put me in super gold, above everyone else. Looking back on it now, it may seem childish but still, it made me feel special and loved. I don't know if u still regard me as your best friend but whether or not u do, its completely up to u. I hated the fact that they had to part us at P3 but I hate the fact that I let us drift apart at P6 even more. I really miss you and those days back then. Perhaps, someday , I'll have enough strength to build a bridge across this gap. Someday. Till then, Best friends forever, Anita, ...best friends forever. Take care of yourself, I hope u dun get sick as often as before. Luv ya loads. :)
Just a message to a dearie I miss so very much. I miss Tiky too. And Nar, with all her crap.
Okay, gtg sleep now. tats all for now.Ta.

2006-05-04T23:43:00.000-07:00

You would seize the day for me
keep the night away for me
make the darkness light for me
the noble sun ignite for me
If ever, if ever you were here

And if ever you were here again
I'd never shed a tear again
or make the sunrise mine alone
or see a new sun shine alone
if ever, if ever you were here

But nothing is forever now I know
the sunrise and the day will go
As the sun will burn to death one day
to be with you where you have gone
where suns and stars have never shone

If ever, if ever you were here with me once more
just one more day to keep
as darkness makes its way to sleep
to know that you've been near again
I'd never ever shed a tear again....

I wrote this song for......nobody. Yeah.
Just a weird little wish and somewhat dream of mine.

2006-05-04T23:26:00.000-07:00

Today was one longggg day.
Haish.
Preety much sucked all the same.
I've been feeling like shit.
Maybe its because I had to say sorry and reconciliate for sth I didn't even do.
Maybe its because I just wanna cry and give up instead of having to fight my way through each day.
Maybe its cos' I wish someone I cared about so much might just care about me just a little and that person might quit hurting me without even knowing she's doing so.
Or maybe its cos' I dread the end of term results and my parents reaction.
Maybe its cos' I don't wanna live at all.
Maybe its cos' Cikgu Zain's leaving and I don't want him to.
Perhaps its cos' I miss those times so very much...
maybe its cos' I just need a hug and a little kindness and love.
GAHH.
So gross. During malay today, cikgu showed us pictures of aborted dead foetuses and all that blood and all. Sick.
So funny la. The poor guy can't say the word sex. He tried and tried and then finally gave up and wrote it on the board to complete his sentence. Damn funny. I'm so gonna miss him.
My head's spinning from all the problems I have to solve, all the things I've done and all that horror tats yet to come.
I wish I could honestly tell u how I feel but I don't think u really care at all. I wish you'd actually stop to think for a moment before hurting me just like that. and most of all, I wish u'd love me...even if it were only a little. But as Shakespeare once said..."Whats done is done"
Except, I have no idea how to go on from here. What am I supposed to do?

2006-05-04T05:51:00.000-07:00

Ah fuck it all la. Go do what you wish. Just leave me alone, K? Cos' I'm just so sick of all the excuses and the lies. I'm sick of being trodden on and used. All I ever did was love you. Was it so wrong of me? Fine then. I'M SORRY. Just go away.. because i don't need you or anyone else. Not now, not ever again. So...just take all your shit and get lost.

2006-05-03T00:40:00.000-07:00

Didn't go to school today. Sick.
I didn't feel like going anyway. Didn't have enough strength to face it all.
Not today.
Election is here yet again. Why am I not surprised?
Its all just a load of shit la.
I mean all that self proclaimed greatness, the propoganda, the way they think they're such great creatures...
Come on la...
U think u can run the fastest, jump the highest, scream the loudest?
Do u really think ur all tat great??
Cos', if tats so... I think tat u should know tat the smallest fish can move ten times faster than u, the cockroach could probrably run faster, the teeniest of insects could deafen u and all it takes for u to go six feet under is just a single twitch.
Yepp.
With just a single twitch, God could kill u.
Still think ur so great?
Ur no more than the size of the dot of tampines mall on the map of the effing galaxy!!!!
Insignificant and pathetic.
hmm...
Maybe its just because I'm a teenager, as the rest of the world sees me, basically a glob of struggling, unstable, raging hormones who's views are taken as invalid due to the changes she's going through and therefore...all her worries, problems, thoughts and pains are just taken as hormonal imbalances.
Yeah.
I miss tiky. Tiky doesn't miss me. Tiky doesn't even know or care that I'm not there. It doesn't matter. I still love Tiky all the same. The same way I love mummy, daddy, serene, nar, and everyone else although I'm nothing to them.

2006-05-01T23:19:00.000-07:00

Had a nightmare of a weekend.
Was discovered using the computer at 2.15a.m.
HAHA.
Then then then....
Was used as a maid for the whole of Sunday.
Geez.
AND THEN,
Dad got mad cos' I used the word 'wahlao'.
WAHLAO, CAN??!!
HEH.<*chuckles*>
Wanted me to write a compo on it but then he forgot about it later. lol.
Then....
Mummy hit me on the head with a vacuum cleaner!!!
Very hard la!
Apparently the assault was due to the fact that I cut the potatoes the wrong way...
"_"
She then proceeded to accuse me of spoiling her cooking mood or sth.(she has a cooking mood?! not like i knew...)
She was like so unhappy about the way in smashed the tomatoes, squished the icky prawns with their heads full of shit, dissected the onion(which caused me to flood the kitchen with my tears) and the way I picked those little bugs out of the rice instead of actually washing it.
like WHOA. I never knew my rice was so full of bugs. freakehh.
The world as I know it has been forever changed.
AND...
while I was attempting to wash the moutainload of dishes, as I had been ordered to...
i started laughing........at a POT.
No, its no spelling error. I started laughing uncontrollably at a pot.
Poor mummy was so freaked by me. I just kept on laughing and pointing at it.
FOR NO RHYME OR REASON.
retarded,man. I ought to be carted off right away to the loony bin.
And then later on, she hit me AGAIN.
For no reason. lol.
That hurt too. I still ache from that one.
Ah wells. I have a mother who hates me.
No surprise.
Now, dad's not talking to me.
Its rather hurtful and depressing actually.
AH, SCREW IT ALL LA.
-_-

2006-04-29T11:13:00.001-07:00

Do I have the right to believe in myself?
Do I have the right to have confidence that I'll make it?
How will I ever find the hope I lost?
I DON'T KNOW.
I'd like to actually believe that I might be able to soar high up there with everyone else instead of having to watch them all disappear into the clouds down here, on the ground someday.
Should I give myself one last chance to prove me wrong?
Should I take one last plunge of faith in myself, one last time, taking control of my destiny...doing everything I can to flap my wings, hoping to see the heavens when all I've ever seen all this time is the ground rushing up to meet me and myself smashed to smithereens??
Should I give myself one last chance...one last fleeting glimpse of hope giving it everything I've got left in me?
Should I?
Because,...I know , deep down there's this part of me, this very last part of the old me,...the fighter I used to be which is still very much alive.
All this time... I've chosen to smother and suffocate it...hoping it'd simply vanish or die out.
Because....I am afraid.
I am ashamed at the coward I am.
I'm afraid to face the dissapointment, the sorrow and all that pain and hurt again.
I'm afraid of that feeling, the knowledge that you've failed...you've crashed.
Its a feeling I fear and hide from.
Its that feeling which killed the old me, the person I used to be....the fighter and the survivor I was.
I despise the person I am today.
This person lacks courage. She lacks the strength, the courage and the grit to pull herself together again.
Most of all, she lies to herself.
Each and everyday...she pretends to herself that everythings fine and dandy, that nothings gone wrong, that she doesn't care about the people around her, that she doesn't feel the pain of not being able to fit in, that she's somehow been made different from everyone else.
Because this person refuses to admit that she is torn, broken and is still feeling the hurt from it all.
She chooses to cover it all with a big plaster, same as the phony smiles and laughter she emits every single fucking day of her life.
All her life, she's never lived it for herself.
All she's ever tried to do is to make everyone around her happy, make them proud of her, make them love her, make them see her.
But it never worked. She just kept on trying and trying, picking herself up after every fall, just like an exhausted dancer with broken legs who keeps on trying to stand up, to go on dancing till she hears the long-awaited applause she so wants to hear. She's tried and tried...just to get their approval, their acceptance. its never happened.
Deep down, this person wants to fit in, she wants to know what its like, to be loved, to be wanted, to be heard, to be needed and to be cared for.
Now...all I wanna do is to throw it all away.
Because now I see the things I should have seen from the very beggining.
Some people use love and care to fuel their wings to soar for their dreams.
I don't know if I really believe in dreams at all, but well...
I do know that this life is mine alone. I was born to be different. Idon't know why, I don't know how but I just do. So what if I don't fit in with the people labeled by society as the POPULARS?
So what if I don't fit in with the nerds, geeks, bimbos, goths, preps or the outcasts?
I DON'T EVEN FIT IN WITH THE OUTCASTS.
so what? what does that make me?
The outcast of the outcasts?
Queen of the weirdos, perhaps?
NO.
It makes me whoever I want to be. Free of labels, boundaries or limits.
Because I know I have whatever it takes to make it.
It doesn't matter if I'm the only one who believes in me, if dad says i'm hopeless, if my classmates label me as the slacker-most-likely-to-get-thrown-out-at-the-end-of-the-year kind or if I fall along the way.
I'm gonna make it.
Just you watch and see.
Because this fighter is using pain and anger as fuel...not love, not friendship...these things all run out someday. Not pain. I. WILL.MAKE.IT.
To the world, I have three words.
Bring it on

2006-04-28T08:22:00.000-07:00

Mangoes and milo cans have a lot in common.
The things I never knew. For one, both are extremely violent objects. Both are also known to be aggressive to a certain species...also known as the shiren.
Freaky.
I got attacked by both today.
So...not only people hate me...
"INANIMATE" OBJECTS TOO!!!???
wth.'
Gosh. Im so full of crap la.
Yeah, yeah, yeah...hurt schmurt.
Heck with it la. I dun give a damn no more.

2006-04-27T01:44:00.000-07:00

Deadd so I'll bring it back to live.
Yeah.
I'm a bloody mess.
My life's fucked up and I'm screwed.
I'd like to just be able to just say "Ah, screw it all la."
and ignore it all.
I can't.
I don't want to come across as some self-piteous bitch who keeps on asking instead being grateful for what she has. I'm not.
Because, now I see that God has given me more than a person like me deserves.
Its my effing fault for screwing up every single thing that God has given me.
I've screwed up EVERYTHING.
Sometimes i wonder, what is the point of my existence?
Ok, I don't really wonder....because I know that there is no point to my existence.
If I died tomorrow, who would know?
Who'd care?
Would anyone miss me?
I dun think so.
I could dissapear off the face of the face of the earth forever, right here, right now and nobody would give a damn.
I am such a zero.
Whats the point of my existence?
Unconditional Love.
Its one big scam.
Doesn't exist.
Every single day of my life, every second, I try so hard. doing what?
Trying to earn love. Trying to make my mother love me, trying to deceive myself tat my father cares, trying so effing hard to grab at every single last bit of it I can find.
Sometimes, I wish I could pay like $50 to my mum and dad for them to just love me as I am and for me to be able to truly believe that they do.....even if it were only for a mere second.
Am I really such a horrible person?
Is it really like everyone says it is: is everything, every single thing about me so wrong?
I don't see any truth in the saying that God doesn't make junk.
I'm a living example.
I hate myself. EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT ME.
I'd trade this me for anything, anyone else.
Anytime, any day. I would.
I hate the way I am.
I hate myself for wallowing in self pity about petty little issues like effing raging teenage hormones and the imbalances they cause in me.
Especially when there are ppl out there who are homeless, penniless, orphaned and truly alone.
When theres a person out there dying every minute and someone suffering from discrimination through no fault of their own. Innocent children suffering for the misdeeds of their bloody parents who went ahead and decided to fuck one another without thinking of the consequences, nor the lives they'd soon be destroying, the ppl they'd be hurting. People who are fighting for nothing and their lives wasted away to see a never-ending feud of a battle that'd neither be lost nor won.
And what am I doing??
Sitting here like a stinking moron and getting depressed over my hormones.
I am total shit.

2006-04-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

Dejected.
Kaerenai asa no hikari no you....
sometimes, I wish so much for someone to just hug me, hold me, and tell me that everythings gonna be all right. I wanna believe them. I end up hoping so much for these things everyday, hoping that someone might just see the weakness, the sorrow in me and hold me. No one's gonna do that, I suppose...
Good grief. I'm turning into such a sad sop. God.
I can't hold myself together for much longer. I'm gonna break. The daily dejection, rejection, humiliation, abandonment, ignorance, despondence...it fuckin' hurts.
I won't go on for much longer.
I know that suicide is coming soon.
Its the last thing I wanna do.
Its either that or me finding my hope and inspiration.
I don't have the strength to rebuild myself again. I don't.
I'm just so tired of trying.
I hate myself for being so weak, so pathetic and so bloody soft.
I'm not gonna make it through. Not this time.
I haven't tried suicide, ever, because, when I do, It will be successful.
I WILL NOT FAIL.
Somebody, save me from myself.

2006-04-06T00:27:00.000-07:00

I don't deserve to live.
I don't even remember when was the last time I laughed.
I don't even know where I going.
Where did I come from?
Are they the same place??
My head is spinning.
I can't cry anymore.
I give up.

2006-04-05T01:08:00.000-07:00

Life has been....uh....I can't seem to find a word for it...oh well. It has preety much sucked all the same. I still can't figure out what I live for. I discovered that I am a born failure.haha. Nothing new there. I.DON'T.WANT.TO LIVE.
God, do you hear me??You're probrably ignoring me, as usual. Daddy says if you turn towards God, He runs toward you. What did I do wrong?I've never stopped believing that you're up there, I've never doubted your existence and your power but....why??where did I err??This is so useless. Its not like you're even listening anyway. Its not as if you might actually care. WHY WOULD ANYONE CARE???? They wouldn't;not about an insignificant, nothing-special, void of talent person like yours truly. Gahhh.
I've truly gone mad.
I really miss Tiky. Heck, BLOODY SHIT. I so miss her. This is NOT good.
I WANNA DIE. I WANNA DIE. I WANNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I give up.
Its scary out here. I don't wanna be here. Getting yourself lost is scary. The scarier fact? The truth of knowing deep down that you'll never find your way home. That you'll never hear your own laughter or feel the warmth of the knowledge that you're safe. I'm afraid, I'm scared...and nobody knows.

2006-03-31T10:57:00.000-08:00

Too tired to think.
Shall blog about sports day sometime soon.

2006-03-31T10:07:00.000-08:00

Emptiness.
Its such a strange word, isn't it?
It means so much and yet...it holds so little value...
OK. maybe im just talking crap.

2006-03-29T09:05:00.000-08:00

Aiite. Here are the cont.d tributes I promised....
Stardust a.k.a Victoria
This was supposed to be a letter to you...but I never had enough strength to write it out...so, heres wat i wanna say.
You were always my moonlight...weren't you?
Whenever I look at you I just can't stop thinking back of the days we once used to spend together. Whenever I look at the photos, the things you gave me, all those letters, I can't stop myself from getting hurt all over again. I don't want it to end like this. Yet, its impossible for it to be like the past we used to have. I think of the times we ran together, when we passed notes, how we used to crap around for hours, how we used to have heart to heart talks late into the night, when special unexpected things kept on happening to us. Its like we seemed so fated. But we WEREN'T.
Both of us have carried on with life.But there's always someone missing. That certain someone which is you.Whenever I look at you I feel so sad. Its like ur the memory tat I can never have again. The more I want to catch you, the further the distance seems to be between us. I know I can never catch you again.
Being sick and tired was our reason.
But did we think of our consequences? Whenever I think about this my heart starts to sink again. I can't help it. I really can't. I regret throwing away this beautiful gift God had given me.
Yes, now I've met new people, I have.
But I can't seem to trust, I can't seem to love.
Will I ever learn how to again? I really don't know. I don't.
I haven't learnt how to smile again, I haven't learnt how to laugh once more. Not since I let go of your hand. There's just you, you're everywhere in my memory.
You're engraved on the walls of my heart. I can't erase you, even if I tried to correction tape you, you're still there deep inside covered by my attempts of trying to forget you.
But I know soon those inscriptions will fade and dissappear with time and you'll no longer be something in my heart. But I don't want that to happen. I don't want to lose something so precious. But yet, I know sooner or later this day will come.
Even if we tried to get back together now, its almost impossible. Time has just brought us so far away from each other.
How we used to hold each other's hands and walk down that seemingly endless lane together. I promised never to let go of your hand. You'd promised we'd never part.
Just look at us now. I can't even see you from where I stand and neither can you. All I see is the infinite sunset.
And, like you said, Is this really the way our story was meant to end??
Maybe, maybe not. I don't know.
I hate having to refer to you as my "ex-best friend". Maybe I was just too quick and hasty in assigning titles of such great importance to people...
I never did really care back then what everyone else thought of us, whether they thought we were lame, childish or immature. I had you. That was all I ever needed. ONE person. Just one who'd ALWAYS be there for me. Rain or shine, no matter how hard or bleak things seemed. ONE person who'd stick and stand by me no matter how ridiculous or impposible I got. Just one special person. And you know whats the funniest part? I don't think I'll ever find that person. God made me a loner by birth and a loner I'll be all my life. I'll never be able to bridge that gap between me and anyone else ever again. Not since I let go of you. I built my bridge once and it was torn down. I don't have the strength to build it again, Vic. I don't. And there won't be any other person in the world this time who might throw out their rope to me again and reel me back into shore.
You noe wat Vicki?? Maybe we were both wrong. We weren't made for each other.
I never cared back then when secretly or even to our faces people used to make fun of us...they thought we weren't straight. They thought we were lesbians,didn't they?? I think it was gross and immature of them...but, they made their choices and we made ours. Even my parents thought we were lesbians. I NEVER CARED. We shared something special(I sound so cheesy!!!)....and it was a really strong bond...but, nothing lasts forever. We had our time, it was only temporary and now, its gone.
I'll always picture the perfect memory of us as two innocent, carefree thirteen year olds running hand in hand through the field. Just like that. The two of us. Thats the way we'll be. Forever.
Kirara Dearie a.k.a Serene
We shared some really special times together, didn't we? No matter how much my parents disapproved of our friendship, I never took heed. I'll never forget all those nights you listened patiently to me and my eccentric rants...the times you tried so hard to pick up the shards of broken pieces of me. How you tried to put me back together and help me mend my broken wings and bleeding heart. How you believed in me against all the odds when no one else did...even after all that turmoil we went through in sec 1...you were still there for me.
I'll never forget you.
I know you'll drift away sometime or another and there'll come a time when you might say..."Shiren?...Hmm...That name sounds familiar...".
All I want to let you know is... I won't hold you back or try to stop you from spreading your wings and soaring away...And...I'll always love you.(as a very dear friend)
Thank you for letting me be a part of your life...even if it was only for a short period of time.
So there... I'm done with the tributes...

2006-03-26T22:38:00.001-08:00

Tiky
What you did for me today was really nice....and so were all the other things you did. You cheer me up without even having to try, you can put a smile on my face effortlessly...even if it only lasts for a moment. I haven't known you for a long time and yet...you've made a realli huge difference to me. I just wish that I could do more for you and actually be there to lighten your burdens when you needed me. But...I'll try.Sometimes I wonder if you really want me around or am I just a thorn in the butt...but then, I'd hope that if tat were so....You'd tell me, rite??? Its like I'm the one who always comes looking for you, I'm the one who always needs you...I'm the one who always calls you...You don't really need me, do you?Because what I want is friendship, not an aunt agony helpline. Seriously...
Anyway... I love you and Li Min all the same ...My two lil' crazzyyy juniors!!! Love ya loads. YOU UNFAITHFUL CAD!!!! <3<3<3
Narishka
Lazybum darlingg....
Even if I tried, I'd never be able to find enough words to describe you. All these years(LOL, i make us sound like old fogeys), You've never let me down. Not once. You've seen me through countless crushes(and current ones too)a string of failed friendships, an entire host of failed exams, broken dreams, drama, exaggerations
and all. You've seen me in the morning(and trust me, that is not a sight for the faint hearted), after I've been attacked by kitty allergy(SOGGY!!!), at my lowest and all through that ...you've stuck by me. All those times we spent being lame...(does "BONGO!BONGO! BURGERR BAR!!!"ring a bell?), the times we used to scare each other shitless after watching "Are You afraid of the dark?", the times we played London Bridge with Amber and Bubbles, the first time we met; we sat on the piano and talked for five hours straight despite the fact that I was soaked in snot and cat fur...these are the times that are forever engraved on the walls of my heart. I f anybody really wanted to get to know me...I'd tell them to meet you first because sometimes, I think you know me better than I know myself. You've always been so patient...watching me venture out to try to be brave, try to do something new....you'd wait until I got stung and broken. Then you'd come along and fix the broken shards of me. As I said... my personal motivator!!!heh.Our friendship is much more than just a paragraph of words in a blog...much, much more.I love yuu loadss!!!!!
Bryant a.k.a Cloudberry
I 'm letting go. And this time, its for real. Two years is way too long a time to waste on someone who doesn't really care at all. I wish things had turned out differently but it really wasn't for me to decide...I'll always keep you as a memory of a dear friend who went away......
Outta time...will do the rest of the tributes some other time...Can't say life has been all too darn preety. Ta, for now.

2006-03-17T10:18:00.000-08:00

You see the patterns in the big sky

Those constellations look like you and I

Just like the patterns in the big sky

We could be lost we could refuse to try

But we made it through in the dark night

Would those lucky guys turn out to be

But that unusual blend of my funny friend and me

You see the patterns in the big sky
Those constellations look like you and I

That tiny planet in a bigger guy

I don't know whether I should laugh or cry

Just like the patterns in the big sky

We'll be together till the end is night

Don't know the answer or the reason why

We'll stick together till the day we die

If I had to do this all a second time

I won't complain or make a fuss

When the angels sing that that unlikely blend

Are those two funny friends

That's us

2006-03-16T00:15:00.000-08:00

Ok...I have a change in my theory...Love does exist...just not in my world. Its something I've never had, don't have and never will have. Its something I'll always be giving, never receiving.
Yepp...tats love.
Anyway....I'm on a high right now....due to smth tat happened last night....which won't be mentioned....heh.
I afraid. I'm worried. I don't want to give up on myself. I've let myself down too many times in the past and I don't want to do it again. My will is faltering and my strength is leaving me no matter how much my heart tells me to fight on....I don't have it in me to pick myself up and move on one more time. I just can't. And yet....I don't want to give in and prove evryone right just like that. They're wrong. I'll prove them wrong. Shiren's weak. Shiren won't make it. Shiren's lazy. Shiren's irresponsible;she'll never make it anywhere. Shiren's weird,she's just plain mad...she's childish. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT THEY THINK. I'll make it. I will. I've gotten this far....I can't give up now. The war ain't over yet.
Daddy dearest, i don't give a shit no more. U say u don't care no more, I say...since when did u ever give a fuck??Treat me like a stranger, go ahead. You've ceased to exist in my world. When I think of you....I think of those times we played tag on the beach when I was five, the times u tickled me till I peed in my pants, the forts u built for me when I was three, the times u made me laugh till my stomach hurt, when you'd tell me 'little princess stories' before bed, those times i crawled into your bed in the middle of the night because i was afraid, when you'dpromise to be my best friend forever when I was lonely...those are the times I'll keep as my memories with you. I've always looked up to you. Always. I've always listened when you spoke...commiting every word u uttered to memory...thinking tat it'd help me succeed. Now i see tat i was wrong... For all the times you hurt me with your words, used everything i loved against me and everything i told u as weapons of my demise, the times you made me cry....I won't ever forget them. Ever. I miss you. Remember that time you pointed at that picture of me, the one when I was three and tiny?Remember what you said? You asked me...where had tat little girl gone? You said, she had gone away...and then, you pointed at me, and said, this monster had taken her place. Where did she go,daddy?She got lost.She skipped out into the garden one day and into the park, holding her mummy's hand.she held on tight.Then, her mummy let go and told her to go play at the playground.so, she did.she laughed and played, she was HAPPY. Then, it started to rain. She looked around for her mummy...but she found no one.She was left alone. She tried to find her way home...but she never got there. She sat out in the cold dark night hoping someone would find her. But no one did. Its scary to be lost, daddy. Its scary.She lost herself, she lost everything she ever believed in. She lost her faith. She'd run away from herself, her life, the truth. If only she could. She's got nowhere to go. Go on, throw me out if you wish. I don't belong here.
Cloudberry....
I'm just really happy things have cleared up. You have no idea how much you mean to me.I still do love you.
In the quiet time of evening
when the stars assume their patterns
and the day has made his journey
and we wondered just what happened
to the life we knew before the world changed
when not a thing i held was true
but you were kind to me as you reminded me
that the world is not my playground
there are other things that matter
and when a simple needs protecting
my illusions would all shatter
but you stayed in my corner
the only world i knew was upside down
And now,the world and me
I know you carry me.

No matter what I say....I love you today, I'll love u tommorow, I'll love you till an eternity fades away.

2006-03-08T00:16:00.000-08:00

Tiky.....I'm specially doing a post for you because i think its really important.Yes, its true that i don't have many friends but i really don't know what way you meant that question.Im really fine with the fact that i have few friends because the few that I have...they're special and rare.
If u think tat i only care so much abt you or hang around ur class only bacause i'm desperate for friendship or lonely, you're wrong. Im a loner by nature.I DON'T get lonely.Maybe i was wrong about you the same way i was wrong about everyone else.Im different, i'm weird.Yes,Iknow.And,I DON'T CARE.I suppose I have no right to force friendship on you like that and for that, im sorry. You have friends of your own and im just being a pain in the arse.Matybe we're just too different.Whatever it is...dun worry...I won't bother you or scare your friends anymore,k?heh.im the ugly ogre. Rawwr. I shally make ur kidneys into jelly.hahahahahahahaha.RITE.I'll just go hide my ugly self away deep in the woods.lol.Its really ok if u think im oh so weird too...just like everyone else...because...I suppose, it wouldnt make a difference anyway.Yeah.tats abt it reply if u wish.heh.

2006-03-07T22:40:00.000-08:00

Haven't blogged in a REALLY long time. Shall just highlight a couple of really important things that have happened since I last blogged.Well...things that were important to me anyway.
I won 1500m!!!!!6.45mins.heh.For once in my life,I came in first at something. I mean,these sort of things are probrably normal to most ppl but to me its somewhat of a miracle. does a person who gets second last every year suddenly getting first make any sense at all when she hasn't been training very hard or practicing at all?haha.completely illogical and absurd...yet,so true.All my life...I've always dreamt of being able to say,"I came in first".Not second,not third.First to get the chance to touch the tape first. The feeling...to me..;it can't be described.
Anyway...other than that...I came in a stinking fourth for 800m.my timing...so blardy slow.3.13mins.Haish.We got into finals for 4 by 400m.I don't care.We WILL win on sports day.Till then, I'll be training like mad.heh.
As for today...I've been feeling totally shit.Rawwrr.I would actually like to write more about how I feel and about the mundane and depressing going-ons of my life but...I'm feeling empty.....
A basic and self explanatory word for my state right now would be apathetic. Apathetic and despondent.NUMB.haish.Dammit.Oh,and i almost forgot. PE dancing was such a riot!ahahaha.judging from my lack of basic psychomotor skills, I did horribly.I pity Alyssa

2006-02-22T00:17:00.000-08:00

Too lazy to blog. Typical me.HAHA.*Still waiting for purple skunk too turn up.*

2006-02-18T07:29:00.000-08:00

I don't feel like talking about my day. Pattern has proved itself to be consistent yet again.Aaargh.
If living were this painful....I'd be better off DEAD.

2006-02-17T07:50:00.000-08:00

Too tired to even form proper sentences of my day...In a nut....shell....IT SUCKED. See a pattern here? Everyday...sucks.Haish.I am completely braindead *sweeps up corpses of dead braincells littering the floor of hollow brain* They probrably PLASMOLYSISED.Wow. Didn't know I knew such a bigggg word.lol. This post is like...so full of crap!!!!Missing my Inu desperately.....Why am I always missing someone????This is shitty. I composed a new song today. I think it rocks....It doesn't really have much of a tune though.....nor does it have much lyrics....It goes like this: *silence*.........Lol.I wanna die. Oh yeahhhh.....I met a blue banana today. He said Hi. So I like said hi back. His name was Oswolold. He told me that I am going to meet a purple skunk in three days time. So I shall wait patiently.....*waits**looks around, still being patient**fidget**fidget fidget*.......LOL.

2006-02-14T23:18:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna begin my superr duperr longg post for today here. <*sticks post into ground at this point*>......
And....for the world's most useless emotion........LOVE!!!!!(what a coincidence...considering that February the 14th was just yesterday.)It merely allows a person to exist in a world of sheer falsehood and lies, shrouded with the promise of eternal bliss. Bullshit, if you ask me. Love is non-existent, its a mere deception everyone seems to fall for. I admit I once believed in it but then again...I also once believed that Barney visited me at night and that evil clowns lived on my roof top. Love indeed makes one blind...with a veil of deceit that is only lifted when its too late. Love.....unconditional love.....friends forever...best friends forever.....these are mere lies woven into the web of trickery we live in. Love...is something that has never existed , is non-existent and will never exist. And speaking of love....is a person like yours truly even anywhere close to lovable? I don't think so. The day a person actually tells me that they really, truly like me with all the sincerity in the world for who I am(for who I really truly am, not the mask of me)will also be the same day pigs will take to the skies and the clouds will be made of candy floss and Man will live peace and harmony. Technically, that day will never come. Am I surprised? NO. Its understandable. Who's gonna love a mad, foolish, lame freak of nature like me? No one. Its a fact I accept.Solitude will always and forever be my best friend. Now... thats what I call friends forever.
Anyway....enough of me being so melodramatic and all.Lol.This week has been so full of crap.I've flunked so many tests I can't even count them anymore. I am beginning to suspect that there was some mistake in my class posting.SERIOUSLY!!!I ain't nowhere close to triple science material whatsoever!!!!!!GAHHH.*Gets buried under a pile of books*Oh well. Ahahaha.I don't give a shit.
I ain't gonna cry over you. I ain't gonna weep over them. I WON'T cry over him. Not this time. Not ever again. I don't give a shitting damn if you wanna leave. I DON'T care if you don't. I really don't. I don't cry on the outside. Not anymore. In any event there isn't anything left on the inside. There once was. Once upon a time, I used to care. Once upon a time, I loved. Once upon a bloody stinking time I BELIEVED. I don't anymore. And let me tell you that it was probrably the best thing that has happened to me since I left childhood and those sweet times behind. You ain't gonna see me crying. I ain't gonna let you bring Shiren to her knees. I'm not gonna cry over such a stupid thing like this. You'll never be able to see that other side of me that I hide anyway. You'll never catch Shiren the Great crying over the past. So, Fuck you and all the rest of em' who think that they matter because...THEY DON'T. And.... as for you.....you led me on and i don't deny that for a long time...I actully believed you. I know better now. Wait. Who are you kidding here, shiren? You were never a part of his life and you never will be. You could have at least had the decency to reply. Aw, you know what? You can go and die for all I care. I don't give a damning shit anymore. I died a long time back anyway. Don't know who I am, I don't know where I am. Oh well.Shit occurs.
I'm letting you go. You're free to leave. Its only fair. You probrably got tired like everyone else. nobody stays for long anyway. When everyone bought a ticket and left, nobody told me we were supposed to buy tickets. When they boarded the train, I got left behind. I didn't have a ticket and there wasn't space on the train.I sat at the station for a relly long time just waiting. For what? I don't know. And then....your train pulled into the station. I remember you stepping off the train and looking at me.Me, sitting there, bleeding and broken. You pieced me back together..... You tried to get me standing on my own two feet again. It wasn't easy. I know it wasn't easy for you. And now......I suppose you've already bought a ticket. Your train will be coming anytime soon to take you away. Then you'll be gone. Just like that. Except this time...there won't be any other train pulling into the station. This time.....I'll have to find my own way. I'll fight my own battles and free myself. I'll fly away someday ....FREE. And I'll never forget you.I'll find my own way....somehow.I will. I will come out stronger...someday.

2006-02-13T04:04:00.000-08:00

Haven't been blogging lately...GAHH!!!!!! If it is possible to die from exhaustion I would be six feet under by now but sad to say, exhaustion ain't fatal. It merely leaves one completely lifeless...a living breathing corpse. Which also happens to be an accurate representation of Yours truly for the past week or so.
Anyway...guess who's a cheerleader??!!!!ME!!!!ahahaha.I think its totally bonkers and completely hilarious due to the fact that I desperately lack hand-eye coordination. lol. from a runner to a cheerleader. Has the world turned upside down? Is the sun rising from the east? NO. Im a cheerleader. Gosh.
Oh...and smthing totally weird happened during social studies today. I like built a wall of books in front of me and then I went to sleep, expecting that I would probrably wake up 5 mins later or that Mdm Azizan would catch me. Turned out, she didn't realise tat I was asleep till the end of the lesson. In fact, she didn't even know I was asleep. She thought tat I was stressed abt the coming SS CA and tat I was crying(on account tat my eyes were red due to lack of sleep.). She was lyk"Shiren,Shiren...Are u OK? Dun be stressed, dun worri abt the CA!!!Dun cry..."And I was lyk damn blur lah!!!!Just woke up from sleep mahh...lol. The rest of the class was lyk "dun cry,dun cry..."I was lyk so confused...ahahahaha.Typical me.LOL. So damn funny.
I am now wishing more than ever for death to arrive but I suspect that God is ignoring me.(as usual). Would like to write a longer entry but I am limited by time and parents. What a pity.
Nevertheless, I am rather relieved that my hormones have permitted me to live on the other end of my exterior emotional extreme(I only have two extremes)for the past few days. It hides my weaknesses and overshadows my sorrow with complete and utter "elation" of complete insanity. I'd rather let the world think of me as a happy-go-lucky, contented, insane mad-hatter. The real me isn't worth knowing anyway.
I'm sorry if I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry if I neglected you. You have always been there for me irregardless of time and distance. I really, really miss you...If you think I don't treasure you, you're wrong because I'd give up everything...EVERY SINGLE DAMN BLOODY THING for you. I hope you know that. You were there when all of them left. You were there when I fell to pieces. You were there to see me through. And now...YOU'RE leaving? Why? All I can say is...I'm sorry if I've ever made u feel used or left you out in the cold unknowingly. I regret missing the chances and I'd hope you'd give me another chance. And...i love you. yeah...

2006-02-08T22:09:00.000-08:00

So....I've finally established myself a blog. Presently wondering how long it'll last before I get sick and tired of it the same way I got sick and tired of life....

Shall quit being so dreary and get on with the post instead.(that is,if there's anything at all to write). Everyone keeps on questioning my choice of blogskin...I admit that it may be a little gory and sort of creepy but...really, its an extremely accurate representation of how I feel.

Today has been no different from all other days. Crappy and full of shit. Maybe I should get myself a blogskin with a toiletbowl on it. That'd be a most accurate representation of my life.Haha. More of my black humour.

do you even care at all anymore?or do you choose to simply ignore me? does it ever cross your mind that the things you do cut me and tear me up inside?do you even stop to think that maybe, just maybe I might be missing u? You know how much I need you and yet you choose to do this....

if you are reading this, i would like to let you know that i miss you...a lot. im sorry if i made you mad or hurt ur feelings unknoingly. im just so sorry. all i want is for you to stay....please,please come back.....i cant live without you yet...i lack the courage, i lack the strength...so...dont leave.

2006-02-08T00:33:00.000-08:00

testing.